Sunday, May 5, 2013

Acting Big

Midnight. It's the first week of May. It was two and a half weeks ago that they told us they estimated she had three weeks left, tops. But the doctor assured us that she had been wrong before. I wonder if she will be wrong this time. I can't predict anything about this situation anymore. Except that I know how it ends. I just don't know when or what happens in the meantime. It was a beautiful day in April when we they gave us the news. I thought how cruel it was to get that news on such a beautiful day in April. She had made it through the cold and snow of winter in Utah. We had made it through the flu season without her catching any of the many illnesses that were going around, illnesses that would have been detrimental to her fragile lungs. And now, with summer on the horizon they were telling us that it was all coming to an end.

Tonight, as I have done many nights in the last two and a half weeks, I put my babies to bed and kissed my husband goodnight. Then I got in the car and drove the 20 minutes to my brother's house where she is staying. Our plan tonight was to watch a movie. I hoped that would happen. But I didn't know if I would watch a movie or watch her sleep. I never can predict these things these days. I ended up doing a little of each. As I turned off the TV and told her goodnight I wondered how I had ended up in this situation. It doesn't seem real. I am 36 years old, but in the room with her I feel like I am ten. I feel like a little girl who is "acting big". I don't know what else to do. I don't know what I am doing. I am muddling through, doing my best, all the while trying to convince myself that it is real. I am trying not to hide or shrink from it. I'm doing my best to avoid future regrets. I want to get every minute I can with her. I want to add more love and memories to our jar, knowing that I won't be able to make any more deposits soon and I will have to live on what is in there for the rest of my life. I am trying to be true to her, to my role as a sister. I am trying to love in actions and not just words. I am trying to protect myself from regret and heartaches far worse than death. I am trying to be true to myself and what I know to be true. But mostly, I am just trying to show up. I believe that showing up is the most important thing, 90% of the battle. So for her sake and for mine I am trying to show up. And I pray that while I muddle through the other 10% something will go right. That somehow in a situation where it all seems so wrong, something will seem right. For now, and for all the days to come with this a part of my memory and a piece of who I am now. For her sake and for mine I just want to keep showing up. And maybe while I am "acting big" I will actually grow enough to absorb the impact of it all.

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